Balancing issues and non-issues

When the basic necessities are met, humans tend to take up the task of persecuting. This is not 21st century problem; it probably started when humans decided to live in groups and form community and society. We have not evolved enough to live with disagreements. This urge to belong to a society and at the same time harmonize that society, leads us to penalize those whom we don't understand and agree with.

As I see, there are non-issues which are mostly individual's choice in life; and then there are issues which arise out of our personal interactions or simply living in a group/society. However, we are determined to make issues out of non-issues and pretend to un-see the real ones.

Religion Misunderstood and misinterpreted religion is the root cause of many of our problems. (God has no religion). Religion should be an individual's choice and not be forced upon or persecuted for not-following/following. It is a woman's choice to bear a child and give birth or not. It is her body that makes the provision for 9 months and she must have option to do so or not. People should understand that women have basic instinct to bear a child (this definitely won't be the reason if we go extinct!), more so than men. Forcing a women to bear a child against her will may be unhealthy for current society and definitely detrimental to future generation - product of forced pregnancy and birth are going to grow up without love and care. When it comes to sexual-orientation (funny word!), it is purely individual's personal life and nobody else's business - and enough said.

Now, if we look at real issues in our society today, like poverty, human abuse and racism - they arise out of our co-existence. We tend to look away when these real issues are around us. Most people do understand and acknowledge the real issues, but instead of collectively working towards a solution we take the easy way out. We treat real issues as background noise and drown it out by discussing non-issues at our loudest voice.

I don't mean we shouldn't discuss non-issues at all. Do discuss them but in an amicable way and purely for analyzing and understanding purpose only; but not with animosity and mud-throwing-way of discussion or action. Instead use the same energy and fervor on real issues and try to come up with, even a smaller step to resolve those real issues. Collective minds with a positive energy brings progress.

Showing your Vulnerability

I will acknowledge my vulnerability to myself, but will not show it or try not to show it to anyone else. I watched Brene Brown's TEDTalks (Dec 2010 and Mar 2012 ) and something kept nagging at me. Everything what she says feels right, but something is not clicking right in my mind. Some link is missing that can make her notions solid and concrete for me. It is like a puzzle and I kept at it for few days now...

I think I got it finally. It is hard for us to be vulnerable to strangers. Not because we dread it; but it is a self preserving mechanism - mind's reflective action (just like reflective muscles in our body). And I think, it is better that way as well. It is the animalistic instinct of standing your ground - in this case mentally.

So, what about showing our vulnerability to  loved ones ? In an ideal world, we must - for, that is the thread that binds the relationship. And here comes the but - but, I, myself, can not. And I would say many of the females, today, can not.  You may wonder why I am bringing gender into this - but gender is the main reason, the link, that I was missing while trying to understand Brene Brown's TED Talk. Females for centuries have been subjugated to "women and children" (= highly vulnerable lot) category that feeling of vulnerability is tattooed on their DNA. And females are allowed to show vulnerability the way society deemed right - like crying, scared etc.

Since we have a phase/era where in females are supposed to be like "super-woman", they are turning mountains to make sure NONE of their vulnerabilities are shown. As Brene Brown said, you can't selectively numb/hide one emotion; today's females are - well, let us just say simplistically that having tough time.

If a woman shows vulnerability in doing a particular project at her work would she be treated respectfully from that point on ? (As of today, in most of the work area, a man in the same situation would not get the same treatment). A woman's perceived existence will not allow her to be vulnerable in today's society. You can not blame this on men, by the way; women are doing this to themselves.

When you grow up and live in a society like in America, you may not understand the depth of what I am trying to say. But when you grow up in a society  which is patriarchal and women can never be treated like first class citizens, then you will understand that showing your vulnerability will make you mold and conform to that system more and more. So the way to feel you exist is to hide your vulnerability and imagine you are "super".

Anyway, that leaves me with - can't show vulnerability to strangers and don't want to show vulnerability to loved ones. But the truth of the matter is if I don't show vulnerability to loved ones, I will never completely experience the relationship.

Brene Brown's Mar 2012 TEDTalk : http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html

(Note : Men have their own vulnerabilities and even they have problem acknowledging and showing it.  I haven't even attempted to speak for them here.)

Can you tame your Irrational Mind ?

Irrational mind is like a magical deep, dark well and only I, nobody but I, can conjure up the bottom - so I alone can decide how deep I am standing in that well. It is a game of baby's peek-a-boo, where in, making ourselves invisible in a dark place makes us safe and nobody can see us - but all we are doing is shutting our eyes close. We do need to show compassion to those with irrational mind - at least to the ones who make effort to fight it.

It is real to the person who is experiencing it - no matter how stupid it looks to the observer. Fear is the main cause of this behavior. Most of the times something that has happened in the past leads to think that every other situation similar to the first one, leads you to same result. It is the fear of happening that stops your mind, no matter how rational/logical you are. A situation dictates your behavior/action and your mind just goes dummy on you.

Once, I was pumping gas at a station and while keeping the hose back, left over gas from the hose spilled all over my pant and legs. I went through series of emotions, along with the wet pant and smell ! - but, mind you, not actual fear. However, from that day on, I usually avoid pumping the gas - I try to make up any number of excuses, but not to fill up. (Yah, "I got people", rather person to do that ;-) ). I am fearful of that happening again - why? - my rational mind can not fathom. This one is the silliest of my irrational behavior.

Another example, which many of us can relate to these days, is receiving hurtful/hateful comments on social media. Recently, I received one such comment on social network and it took sometime to recover from it. First day, I stopped commenting/posting - total withdrawal; then slowly I picked up. Since it is still a fresh wound for me, I hesitate to speak my mind and comment, even now. Though this incident didn't make my mind totally irrational, it still crippled me. One thing, I definitely want to mention here, is that couple of fellow commenters helped me ease the sting from that comment and I am so grateful to them.

Why does mind act like this - is a loaded question and I want the fear department to answer that :-) Can we tame this behavior through our logical part of the mind ? Probably, there is no clear cut answer here, either; but depending on the situation it may have a solution. Like, in second example, my fellow commenters helped me get up and face the crowd back. But the same solution will not help my first example :) Attempting to do the very act which makes you run away can be helpful sometimes, but no guarantees.

Toughest part would be when these irrational mind makes you start acting out physically. Need of professional help becomes a necessity at this point.